My hair reeks of homosexuality.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
