Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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