My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
