In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
