OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize