I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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