Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
