you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
