I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
