The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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