He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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