I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
