A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
