best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
