Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
