In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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