He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
