Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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