Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize