my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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