So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
