i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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