she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
