Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize