Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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