he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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