God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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