woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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