I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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