2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
