i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
