you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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