just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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