I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
