Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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