Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
