went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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