i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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