why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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