I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
