I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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