saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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