my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
