nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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