i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
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