i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
