My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You are a booty call, not a friend.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
