apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
