I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
