That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
