NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
