I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
