We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
