I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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