Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize