would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize