My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
