just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
