My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
